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March 29, 2010

Lots of blog surfing lately, which is what I do when I’m too anxious to focus. Luckily, though, I’m usually pretty good about making a learning experience as well as a time waste. Yesterday I was reading a post discussing depression and the effect it has on the author’s ability to work, compared to that of her boyfriend’s coping mechanisms. One thing she said really resonated with me was that she has always judged herself for being lazy and unmotivated, but that it’s not really a personal failing but the depression that makes her lazy. That got me thinking a lot about what traits I value in myself, and whether they actually make sense to judge myself by. I’m a very anxious person, and sometimes it gets in the way of my ability to work. I’m learning not to judge myself too harshly for it, but it’s still a work in progress. I do, however, place a lot of stock in things that maybe I need to re-evaluate. I find myself valuing what other people think of me a lot, and let that determine specific parts of my self worth. I also value my ability to do it all, and have always thought good of myself for being the varsity athlete with a job taking all the AP classes and doing orchestra. Thing is, I’m not that way anymore, for a lot of reasons. I like to sleep more than I did in high school, and the world has gotten a whole lot more exhausting. I don’t want to do it all anymore, and yet I still judge myself for not doing it all.

Anyway, I have a question for you. What things about your job/school are important to your self worth? Is it important to you to be a hard worker? To be very intelligent? To be viewed as either or both of these things? Do you feel like you must be well read in the relevant literature? Do you feel like it’s the number of hours that matter? Or maybe the number of papers? How about your abilities as a TA? I could list a bunch more things but I’ll stop now. I’d just like an idea of what other people value in themselves, related to their employment. Personal/social life is whole ‘nother thing…

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