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August 17, 2009

I thought this was a really interesting article.  There’s there parts, so make sure to read them all.  (Also, she’s got one titled "So, are we having sex yet?" which I really love)
This is a lot of what I was thinking when we watched Sex and the City (what a dumb movie.  I’m sorry to those who liked it, but I thought it was fantastically dumb).  Afterwards, talking about the movie, I happened to say that I understood a lot of where the cheating spouse was coming from.  He’s a jerk and a douche and all, but I understand where he’s coming from.
Anyway, read the blog posts.  Then wander back here and tell me what you think.  Is it every okay?  What would you do in the situation discussed in the post?  How do you handle inequalities in the sex drives of a married couple?
It’s complicated.  It’s interesting.  I’m not sure what I think about any of it.  Also not sure why firefox says every word in this paragraph is spelled wrong.  I don’t know what to make of it.  What I do know is that my reactions now logically viewing the concept from the outside are probably vastly different than they’d be if it actually happened to me.  So yeah, basically confused, but curious.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. August 18, 2009 3:42 pm

    Not a lot of time to comment, but re: article:
    I don’t think it’s all that complicated. Cheating is never okay. It’s an either/or (break up/deal with it, hopefully with counseling), but marriage is a trust-based relationship – a covenantal relationship, if you want to get legalish – and you can’t violate that trust.
    (Also: Do you really think someone can keep an affair/series of affairs secret long-term? What about the emotional attachment that’s probably going to arise sooner or later?) As for inequalities in sex drive: compromise.
    Some of the article’s examples are bad, too – “oh, we can’t divorce, it won’t be good for the kids.” Kids grow up with the primary example of marriage being the ones their parents set. It would be better to divorce and get a healthy, happy relationship than to provide kids with the example of a sexless, unhappy marriage with one parent who’s convinced themself it’s fine to cheat.

  2. August 19, 2009 12:35 am

    I have to agree that cheating is never ok. This isn’t to say I don’t understand it because I do, but it still isn’t right. I agree that if someone is refusing to have any sex-ever- that something should be done for the other partner. I’d like to think that people would be willing to allow them to have other partners since they are denying them the pleasure. While I would never allow this I also would never “breech that contract” even if all my desire went away. If the person has no control over the situation then it is a different story. A medical problem or a long absences (long distance relationships) isn’t an excuse to talk about finding someone else to soothe the needs. That’s just part of being monogamous.
    The problem with cheating is that you are being dishonest and dishonesty will wreck the relationship in the most painful way possible. Making all the situations the blogger mentioned where it would be “better” to cheat worse when the lies finally came crashing down.
    Basically I don’t think its okay to “cheat”. I do think its okay to have an open relationship if everyone in the relationship, including the other partners, agree to it.

  3. August 26, 2009 2:34 am

    Yeah…no. Cheating is never okay. This person is confused and thinking along the lines of cheaters.
    Let’s play pretend for a moment and say that there is a sex contract in a monogamous relationship. If one person breaks that (does not have sex), and let’s say you care about this person’s feelings AT ALL (presuming you do since you’re in a monogamous relationship with them), should you
    A. Figure the contract is broken and go have sex with someone else.
    B. Talk to this person you care about so that you avoid hurting them. Find out why they aren’t having sex with you. If they refuse to ever have sex and you need sex, then explain that you can’t be in that sort of a relationship. If this leads to parting ways, so be it. If you can work out a different compromise, great.
    I don’t see why the author favors Option A. Unless she’s just looking for an excuse for her having cheated on her partner and is writing that to make herself feel like she was justified.

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