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this helped me realize I have amazing friends

August 23, 2008

Rosin died Thursday night.
I’m being much more controlled in my grief this time, unlike when Peppie died. It’s not that I loved Ros less. Mostly it’s this sudden (irrational) feeling that he was mine to borrow, not to keep.
I got the boys because I knew how hard it would be to leave Michigan. I knew that losing Katie&Yin&Sara to that distance, not to mention leaving a place I love so much, would be next to impossible. I knew I needed a friend to take with me, built-in companion to be there when I was lonely.
I bought my boys for companionship through the move, and I fell in love.
I doubt I’ll ever stop missing him – like Peppie he’ll becoming this memory I retreat to when I’m upset – but I accept it now. I can’t explain what makes me so sure, but Rosin was just mine to borrow. It’s as if he and Zinc had the same amount of love to give, but Ros knew he had less time, so he purred all the more often. He was just mine to borrow, to cuddle with me and make me laugh when I was down, and now that I don’t need him anymore it was time for him to go. It took until summer for me to feel I was really making friends here, and then I found Erik, and I’ve really felt good out here since then. I have history with these people, shared experiences and understanding, and now I have this wonderful boy who makes me smile. I’m finally okay out here, and so it was time for Rosin to go.
It looked so peaceful, the way he died. It seems like internal bleeding would not be a pleasant way to go, but he didn’t seem in pain. When we came home he looked like he was dozing, but when I tried to wake him up he hardly responded. I held him and pet him as we rushed to the emergency vet, and somewhere along the way his heart stopped. He didn’t appear to be in any pain, but simply fell asleep. I like that he died in my arms, that not only did he wait to see me one more time but that I was holding him and petting him as he died. I like that I was there; I like to think he died surrounded by love.
Zinc said goodbye. After we got back from the vet I held Zinc and he was still for once. I put Rosin’s body next to him so that maybe he could process that his brother smelled wrong and wasn’t moving, that maybe he could start to understand what had happened.
We buried him yesterday morning at Crystal Cove. I’d always promised him a run on the beach playing in the waves, and now he’s overlooking the Pacific forever. It’s a big enough ocean to carry away a lot of my sadness. The sky was gray, as it often is in the mornings here, and I dug him a shallow grave in the scrub. I took him out of the blanket he’d been wrapped in and set him in the grave. It felt better to not bury him in anything, that it was more natural and somehow more right that way. His fur was so soft, and it was almost impossible to stop petting him. He just looked like he was sleeping. It was so hard to cover up his face, but I piled the dirt high on top of him, and then we covered the grave with stones. Walking back to the car the clouds broke and there was blue sky again.
I still can’t believe he’s gone, that I’ll never hear him purr again, or his asthmatic-sounding squeak (I think most of the notes were beyond human hearing). He’ll never again fall asleep in the crook of my feet, or have the chance to outsmart Zinc. But, somewhere, I’m pretty sure there’s a party, and Rosin’s wearing the hat as the guest of honor. Sasha and Moo and Kiera Knightly too are there, and Cheezit, all gathered around a table full of their favorite foods. There also, Rosin finally gets to meet Peppie. All our rodents are gathered together, welcoming the newest one back home.

I don’t know what I would have done without my friends. Without Erik being there as Rosin died, and the next morning. I know he had a busy week at work, and didn’t really have time to lose that much sleep and miss work in the morning, but he never said anything. He was perfect, and wonderful.
Megan being so straightforward “I’m giving you a hug now”, and telling everyone for me, and keeping me company last night even though I know she wanted to go out to the movie with Amanda&co. Rebecca being so understanding about what Rosin meant to me, and offering to drive Zinc and I to the vet if we needed, or anything else I needed. And Katie, who is the only one who I think really understands, because she’s just as pet obsessed as I am, and is therefor the one who’s condolences mean the most from. I feel a lot less guilty now. Everyone else, who sent IMs, and the group that was going to invade my apartment to cheer me up if I didn’t make it to work yesterday afternoon.
Thanks everyone.
I’ll still cry about it, but it’s okay now. I cry because I miss him, but I’m okay now with him being gone.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 23, 2008 11:02 pm

    As I said before, and will again, Rosin could never have asked for a better friend than you. You are the number one best pet owner I know.
    And you know, you might be onto something with the idea of “borrowing” Rosin. I mean, by all rights, that guinea pig had plenty of chances to leave you before now. None perhaps quite as dramatic as when he chomped through Yin’s power cord on my watch. *sheepish grin*
    But he loved you. And he always seemed to know just how to comfort you. That is a very special thing. You will always have that to carry inside you, now.
    Rosin will be missed. By you, by Zinc, and I believe, by everyone who took the time to get to know the fuzzy little goofball. I cried when I learned of his passing. But I am grateful for the chance to have known him.
    I do believe he is with Cheezit and my rat clan now. And don’t worry about him – Sasha and Moo will beat up anyone who tries to bully him.
    I’ll leave you with one of my favorite poems, one which you have probably seen before, but I feel you should read (again) now.
    Rainbow Bridge
    Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.
    When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.
    All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.
    They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.
    You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.
    Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together….
    Author unknown…

  2. Anonymous permalink
    August 25, 2008 8:32 am

    wow, you are wonderful! :)

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