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February 11, 2008

I wrote today!
Not much.  Not well, but then again, first drafts are never good.  But I wrote.

See, I’ve been so down lately.  So lost.  Every day it’s impossible to get out of bed, and every day all I want to do is go back to bed.  I’ve really been wondering if I’ll survive five years here, and then I remember the awful realization that there’s nothing better to go home to.  I’ve slowly slipped into that bad habit of blaming all my mood issues on California, and I’ve made up so many things to be upset about, things that really shouldn’t matter.  I’ve eaten far more sugar than is good for me.  I also realized last night that I make myself feel alone: I won’t talk to people here.  I was upset about my grandma getting older, and Hasan asked me what was wrong.  I said I didn’t want to talk about it.  Yes I do!  Why won’t I open up?  Anyway that’s another problem entirely.

I sat here at my desk and read Katie’s lj about school.  Thought about Nicole and her issues, and everything that’s going on with everyone else, and just felt so dang hopeless.  I was supposed to go study for thermo with Aaron, but honestly that subject is so depressingly mundane.  Everything seemed so pointless.

So I went outside.  I went to the park and sat down with a blank sheet of paper and let myself get mad at it.  The poem started off with “Goddamnit”, which I think is a loverly way to start something, even though that line will get cut probably.  But I wrote!  I meant to write something, and something completely different came out, which just makes it all the more real because I wasn’t trying to write that poem.  Yeah, it’s bad.  It’s got two totally different things going on and will have to be edited and basically cut in two.  But I wrote.  It felt good to try.  Then I climbed a tree and scraped my elbow in the process, and sat and listened to the birds gossip.

I’m far from stably happy, of course.  There will be set backs, and I’m sure by tonight I’ll hate the world again.  But at least I’ve written again, and it was a poem about California, about a good thing about California, and that will help.  Next time I need to talk, dangit, I’m going to find someone here to talk to.  Heck, maybe I’ll talk to Hasan tonight, just to make myself get used to this.  I need to remember to reach out to people here.  I need to find someone to feel connected to.  I have Dave Matthews at the moment, though, so it’s alright.  I’ll figure it all out I suppose.

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