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two-year old

October 18, 2007

I guess it’s the terrible twos? Two years ago today I became a different person. One year ago I was proud of the great strides I’d made in accepting myself. Today, I don’t feel like I’ve advanced at all. I feel stuck, and lonely. No one here really understands what it means, and I’m stuck acting straight in nearly my whole life.
I miss Ashley. Why wasn’t I more forward with her?

One Comment leave one →
  1. October 22, 2007 2:57 am

    What you learn by reflecting on that question helps shape who you’ll become.
    I’ve gone over similar things.
    (I’ve always been the type to reflect, my thinking time is important to me.)
    I hope you’ll prove me wrong, but in my wandering mind, I’ve come to the conclusion that people who think about these things end up alone. Not sad and alone, but happily alone by rationalization.
    It’s probably a way to help me cope with disappointment, but I’ve come to the point where I’m not comfortable imagining my future with someone long term.
    I want a friend who shares my bed, my bathroom, my clothes; but not a boyfriend.
    You say “acting straight” and I have a hard time accepting when people speak like that.
    It’s not acting unless you’ve lied to people who ask you “Do you like girls?”
    Until you conciously tell someone something other than the truth, you’re just being who you’ve been.
    People come to a “realization” at some point and think they’ve been living a lie their whole lives, but that’s not really how I see it. If you didn’t know, then you were living the truth. And if you had an idea, then you were still living the truth.
    If no one asks, then what’s wrong with that?
    I don’t run around waving my flag or shouting that I’m gay. I’m not lying.
    Although, a nurse this morning was talking to me in the nurses’ station and we got into age, and I said I’m 22, 23 in February.
    She was like “Oh! Really? Wow, I was gonna try to get you to meet my daughter…but you’re kinda old for her, I thought you were 18.”
    lol, I was incredibly flattered. :-D
    But I didn’t correct her and say I was gay.
    There was no point in telling her she almost set up her daughter with a fag.
    Omission isn’t a lie, sometimes it’s a courtesy.
    All of that said, we’ll end up missing lots of people, so if you ask yourself questions like that, then you’ll end up an expert on yourself. :-D
    (I pride myself for knowing so much about me, it’s amazing how little we know about ourselves until we sit there staring at a wall or a blank tv…or sidewalk. I usually ask myself why I did this, or why I did that, or didn’t do this or that. Or why I said what I said, or why I walked the way I did and stuff like that. It really kinda opens your eyes to who you are and how people see you.)
    Good luck with your reflection. :)
    Sometimes doing it in front of a mirror helps, (just a suggestion if you’re at home alone bored during the day).

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