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May 13, 2007

I’m so tired of crying.  What’s worse is this self doubt.  Anyone got a happy thought for me?  Someone post with something funny so that when I check my email tomorrow I’ll have a reason to smile.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    May 13, 2007 5:26 pm

    This is one of the few jokes I bothered committing to memory. I’m not sure you’ll find it to be funny but given my morbid nature, I thought it was hilarious! -Shane
    Local drunk walks into his regular tavern about 9 am for his usual eye-opener. Says to the bartender: Remember when I left late last night? I was staggering home along the railroad tracks and found a beautiful maiden tied to the tracks. I untied her, took her home, and we had fantastic sex all night long – on the kitchen table, couch, rug, and bed.
    Bartender says – bet that really put a smile on her face!! Drunk says – don’t know, never found her head.

  2. Anonymous permalink
    May 13, 2007 5:44 pm

    Here’s another one that I thought of, and the best part about it is that this exchange really happened. My grandma (she’s 81) is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s and has been falling a lot lately, so she had to be put in a wheelchair. My parents were visiting with her and my Dad noticed that she was sliding out of the chair, so he said to her, “You know Mom, I’m going to have to do one of two things: either buy you a new wheelchair or buy you a new butt.” My grandma replies, “Well, I wouldn’t go with the butt; I’m just not sure I’d use it.” Needless to say, my Dad experienced a sudden loss of words.

  3. Anonymous permalink
    May 14, 2007 8:54 am

    I thought I would tell you a true story so you could laugh at my clumsiness. When I was in Trinidad, I was hiking through the jungle, and I took out my camera to take a picture. I tripped over a tree root and smooshed my camera into a pile of fire ants to break my fall. I was soon covered in fire ants, my batteries were nowhere to be found, and my camera was broken. A nice guy I was with took out his machete and had to dig through the leaves on the ground with it to find my batteries. He found them, and had to brush off all the fire ants before giving them back to me. I never saw another fire ant during the rest of the three hour hike. I had to pick that spot to fall. :)
    P.S.-Yesterday’s quote from my brother: “What’s the plural of genus?…Geminini? (said in all seriousness)

  4. May 15, 2007 6:19 pm

    My pun-loving easily entertained part of this mosaic i call a “self” had a field day with this forward i got from a former co-worker (hated that job. loved her, but everyone else was….sad.)
    *1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit? *
    > *Unique Up On It. *
    > *2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit? *
    > *Tame Way. *
    > *3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest ? *
    > *They Take The Psycho Path *
    > *4. How Do You Get Holy Water? *
    > *You Boil The Hell Out Of It ***
    > *5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall? *
    > *Dam! *****
    > ****
    > ***6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long? *
    > *Polaroid’s *
    > *7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
    > **A Stick *
    > *8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours? *
    > *Nacho Cheese. *
    > *9. What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers? *
    > *Subordinate Clauses. *
    > *10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand? *
    > *Quattro Sinko *
    > *11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow? *
    > *Spoiled Milk. *
    > *12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire? *
    > *Frostbite. *
    > *13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches? **A Nervous
    > Wreck. *
    > *14. What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup? *
    > *Anyone Can Roast Beef. *
    > *15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs? *
    > *Right Where You Left Him. *
    > *16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils? *
    > *Because They Have Big Fingers **. *
    > *17. Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive? *
    > *Because It Scares The Dog. *
    > *18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic? *
    > *Sanka. *
    > *19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?! **The
    > Location
    > Of The Dirt Bag. *
    > *20. Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down? *
    > *Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat. *
    > *21. What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver? *
    > *A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang! *
    > *A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.** *
    > *22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same? *
    > *Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer *

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