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January 21, 2007

It’s interesting that jealous only has a negative connotation. That it seems impossible to want something someone else has without begrudging them that fact. This word must exists. Can someone find it for me?
It was amazing, tonight, to see something and want it, just simply desire it and hope that in the future I’ll have it, and yet be happy. That the lack of it (and, since it’s there, knowing someone else posses it) was okay. I want to know the word for this.

In other news, I discovered something. The combination of alcohol and cramps can feel a lot like you’ve drank way too much. I was tipsy enough for signals to get crossed so I couldn’t be sure ibuprofen was what I needed, but still feeling ill enough to not want more to drink. Ugh. For a while I really thought I was just getting that old.

I feel strong, tonight.
I feel put together. It’s been a long time, it really has, but I think I might be done healing. I fell apart last fall. I lost control, and that shattered my confidence. I’ve spent so much time terrified that I was no longer strong enough. I’ve been afraid, terrified to be left alone, whenever I felt less than perfect, because I’d lost belief that I could handle things on my own. What I wanted, last summer, was a shallow relationship with a hot chick, because it’d be fun. I knew, though, that what I needed was a safe place, and I’m so thankful that I found it. I needed a time and a place, a person who I knew would catch me if I feel, who would never be too busy or too stressed. I needed someone warm and strong, big enough to take anything. Someone who would laugh at my crazy emotions, and hold me, and love me anyway. I guess all along I knew it was temporary in part because I knew that it was the last step. I was healing by being with him, giving myself a space where I didn’t have to be strong enough for anything because I was supposed to lean on him. I’d spent a lot of time being defeated by every emotional blow because I hadn’t had time to heal. I don’t know how to ask for help, but with him I didn’t have to ask, he was just always there. The amazing thing, though, is that he’s still there. Things have changed, but it’s not bad, just different. It’s more equal now. I got through last weekend, I fell apart last Friday from loneliness, but I got through it and now I’m strong again. Now we can have an equal relationship, but I still know that he’ll catch me always if I fall. I am so thankful I had that relationship. I guess I need to figure out how to tell him this, at some point, because it was an amazing gift he gave me. I’m strong enough, finally, and I don’t know how I would have gotten here if I hadn’t had him.

I guess that’s why I wasn’t jealous tonight, because I’m finally strong enough to accept things and take care of myself again.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Anonymous permalink
    January 21, 2007 11:16 am

    It’s called knowing thyself and being OKAY with one’s self.
    A cross between early spring and perspective. There should be a word for it if there isn’t.

  2. January 21, 2007 6:21 pm

    “I needed a time and a place, a person who I knew would catch me if I feel”
    That is a pretty amazing Freudian slip there, my friend (assuming you meant “fell”). I think that’s way more accurate than saying the latter, though. Wow.

  3. January 21, 2007 7:42 pm

    I’m just really glad for you. I don’t have anything to say here since you’re doing so well already, but I wanted to at least give you a smiley face.
    Or two. =)

  4. January 21, 2007 10:43 pm

    Hehe yeah I’m always typing those two wrong. Though it actually is very possible that it was Freudian…

  5. January 25, 2007 12:18 am

    The problem is that “jealous” describes your attitude towards the person, not the object. Perhaps “envy”?
    Ah, well. As long as you’re happy, you’re one up on the rest of the world.

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