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one year ago

October 19, 2006

You probably don’t want to bother to read this. It’s pointless and basically for my own benefit, but some thoughts I wished to record here. It’s my story, the story of this past year. One year ago today (Wednesday, though technically I’m writing this early Thursday morning) things changed, and though it’s taken a year I’ve finally found some perspective on the issue. So here goes my story.

Taken from my IM log with Meg, 10/18/05:
(20:52:24) Me: hey so I’d kinda like to come by and talk to you and Callie about something but i kinda wouldn’t but basically i don’t know what i want to say just that i may want to talk….(i’m a LITTLE confused, if you can’t tell)

That’s how it started. I’m rather proud of that IM on two fronts. First, it’s just fantastically rambley. Second, and probably more importantly, it was the start of one of the hardest but best things I’ve ever done for myself.
Before that IM, I was straight. I knew that because I liked men. I had thought about my orientation honestly and openly, and I was straight. Never mind the fact that I had only considered girls for brief guilt-ridden moments. Never mind the girl at Blue Lake who years later I couldn’t forget about. Never mind my obsession with rainbows and general love of the queer community. And for goodness sake, never mind the random live journal I discovered over the summer and kept reading because the author was beautiful and liked to post pictures of herself with her many pets. I was straight because I liked men.
Twenty years of living in a straight world, it’s no wonder I couldn’t form a coherent thought to type to Meg when I finally decided to talk to someone about it. I couldn’t form a coherent thought for days. That night I went over and talked with Callie and Meg, and completely avoided the word ‘bisexual’. We talked for hours, and by the end of it I’d come out to all three of us, but I don’t remember ever saying the word. I remember being terrified and excited, and having no idea what to do with that. I knew that it was supposed to be a good thing to be honest with oneself, which made me wonder why I felt somewhat ill. I remember the color of the carpet, and the fact that Meg tickled Callie a lot. I remember watching them with about the same feeling as I had when I stood in line for “Top Thrill Dragster” at Ceder Point: looked like a damn good time, but so godawful scary too. I went home and avoiding thinking coherent thoughts so that I could avoid thinking about it. For days I lived in a fog, crying without really remembering why. I remember that I was cold all the time, and I couldn’t eat. I remember not talking to anyone about it, except another visit or two to Callie and Meg’s. One memory which I think will perpetually amuse me is walking into Monkeys lecture and sitting next to Katie, and realizing that I had no memory of getting to that lecture hall from my French class preceding it.
I remember the fog fading occasionally, mostly when I came out to someone. Melinda came first, because she’s just too Melinda-ish to judge and I wanted my room to be a safe place. She was simple and straightforward, and the only person I could imagine coming out to at the beginning. Then I told Katie and Yin, not because I wanted to, but because I couldn’t keep quiet anymore. I cried so hard that night that I thought I’d have an asthma attack, and they, they were perfect. We talked about it for a while, and then we toasted to “Metrobia” and they put me to bed.
I hit bottom not long after that. The rest of the semester is one big pile of crap which no one cares to hear about and I have no desire to remember. My drama happened, and other drama happened, and I felt like shit for most of it. I came out to more people, for various reasons, some of which angered me, but each time I felt a little more real, no matter how scary or frustrating the encounter was. I spent winter break watching 18 movies in 14 days, and finally feeling like a person again. I’d accepted I was bi, but now I had to have some understand of what that meant.
Second semester involved a lot of women. I watched two seasons of L-word in about three weeks, which does weird things to your head. I joined a Coming Out group through the LGBT office, and met some amazing people who challenged me, were wonderful bad influences, and most importantly are still probably the only people who have always known me as someone who isn’t straight. I came out to my family over Spring Break, which made for a fascinating week. I discovered the fear that I’d made it all up as I first noticed how fluid it was, that one day I’d like girls and then for two weeks I’d like boys. As spring drifted into summer, though, found myself in a long period of almost pure same sex attraction, and decided I wanted to find me a nice hot lesbian to have some fun with.
It’s amazing how things can change. It’s October now, and one year ago I was straight and terrified. Six months ago I was trying to understand the appeal of breasts, and three months ago I was sure I wanted to be dating a girl. Today I’m sitting here, a very different person. I’ve finally accepted who I am, and I’m open about it to anyone who asks (well perhaps except my grandmother…) as well as remaining obsessed with rainbows. I’ve figured out why boys like breasts so much, and I have to say I’m definitely over that summer “I want a hot lesbian” phase. I’ve found myself the most amazing boy, who’s decided that it’s okay that I’m bi because I’ll check out chicks in movies with him. He makes me smile, and that is indeed a blessing, because one year ago today I found smiles hard to come by.
I’ve learned so much in the past year. I’ve learned just how low I can get, and, as cliche as it sounds I’ve learned who my real friends are. I’ve realized just how unsatisfying any label is, and to accept that and move on. You give the label connotation, it doesn’t define you. I’ve faced some very real fears, and found moments of happiness that were sweeter because of it. I’ve cried so hard I thought I was going to have an asthma attack, and I got up the next day and went to class anyway. I’m louder than I used to be, and less compromising. I’m less willing to let go, but more able to enjoy every thing about my life. I also learned a fair share of chemistry and whatever other subjects I’ve taken this past year.
I don’t know what comes next, I just know that I’ll never again deny myself so long. Twenty years of being straight, and I’d be crazy to assume that I’ve repaired all of that damage in just a year. I feel more like myself and more confident than I could have imagined before I went through all of this, but I know that this journey isn’t done. In our Coming Out group they emphasized very strongly that coming out is a life long journey, because there will always be new people who you have to come out to, and that’s sorta where I am with myself. I hope I don’t have to spend my whole life exploring this, but I’m sure I’ve got a ways yet to go before it’s integrated into who I am. The one thing I do know is that I’m never going back. This is who I am, and I’m glad. Let’s face it, you all know bisexuals have more fun.

10 Comments leave one →
  1. October 19, 2006 5:32 pm

    The one thing I do know is that I’m never going back. This is who I am, and I’m glad. Let’s face it, you all know bisexuals have more fun.
    Fuck yes. Welcome to the club. :)
    Did you know that I started the GSA at my high school?
    PS. I knew it!

  2. October 19, 2006 6:57 pm

    *supportive hug*
    Congrats on being bright and introspective and positive about everything. You’re amazing, Marie!

  3. October 19, 2006 9:41 pm

    See? You made it!
    One year!
    ‘Course, yours doesn’t have a cool name like AVENnersary (which I forgot to post about this year), but you know, still proud of you, dear.
    Yeah, looking back at this past year….a lot happened. But you’re through the toughest year now of coming out. That is a big CONGRATULATIONS. You got through it. Remembering it all can be terrifying in its own way, but just remember that you got through it.
    One year is a huge milestone. I really am proud of you.
    (Oh, and while it may be that “bisexuals have more fun”, asexuals still party hardest!)
    *sticks out tongue*

  4. October 19, 2006 10:31 pm

    Gays are just right, in between you dirty bisexuals and, um, squeaky-clean asexuals! *claims victory*
    But seriously, I’m glad that we could help you out. I didn’t really realize that we were so…I don’t know, instrumental in your process. This entry made me cry! It’s written so beautifully and it’s so…well, I can relate to it. Yay for being happy with the self! And yay for checking out girls with boyfriends (in my experience it’s really fun)!

  5. October 19, 2006 11:24 pm

    Glad to have joined. Wait, when did you know?

  6. October 19, 2006 11:26 pm

    Aww thanks!

  7. October 19, 2006 11:28 pm

    Haha yes you and Callie were very much instrumental in that whole deal. It was so glad to have you there.

  8. October 20, 2006 1:26 pm

    When I met you, I got the spidey-sense that you were at the start of questioning yourself. I could be wrong. I’m only half-gay. So, the gaydar thing only works 50% of the time. :)

  9. October 20, 2006 10:14 pm

    You know, everyone knew before I did. I actually had people go “Oh. I thought you knew.” I’m like “^%@#@!& why didn’t you tell me!”
    Yeah repression is a beautiful thing…

  10. October 21, 2006 6:36 pm

    Don’t sweat it too much. :) If you need someone to talk to, I can give you my cell phone number. ^.^

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