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i know i’m a dork

June 5, 2006

Yes, I know I’m a dork, but I got this email from my older brother and had to share. I needed instructions on how to install the new CPU on my computer so that it does not continue to be a total piece of crap like it’s been since the weather got above freezing. I’ll put it under a cut ’cause it’s long, but do read. It’s humerous, involves alcohol and cookies, and makes me such a dork that it’s worth it.
On second thought, it helps if you have a general knowledge of computer anatomy before reading.
Now lets see if I can remember how to do cuts…

Hey there,

Glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better :)

So…here it is, right from me, the Newbie’s Guide For How To Replace Your CPU And Try
Not To Break Any Of The Other Expensive Parts That Are In There, Ya Idiot:

Supplies:
1 shiny new processor (must be shiny — this is a strict requirement, really)
1 flat head screwdriver
1 tube of thermal grease
1 credit / debit card, or school id, with a clean flat edge.
1 bottle of rubbing alcohol, or some other similar chemical that will dry clean. Windex
does NOT count. You’d be better off not using a cleaner if you don’t have an
evaporating alcohol based cleaner.
a handful of q-tips
2 chocolate chip cookies
2 tasty alcoholic drinks (can be substituted with non-alcoholic if you’re already
feeling queasy)

1) Take off case cover (this step is provided for hilariousness). Locate your
processor. It’s the big thingy underneath the big heatsink underneath the big fan. You
can find it, really.

2) UNPLUG IT. This is serious. Unplug EVERYTHING. Discharge the power supply by
pushing the power button on the front of the case. Flip the power switch on the back of
the power supply to off, and press the case power switch once again. Now you’re
actually off :)

2) Using that super dandy flat head screw driver, figure out how to pry the heat sink
clamp loose. It’s a steel (shiny) piece of metal that runs thru the heatsink and
connects to the CPU socket (which is a beige color, right on the board) at some tabs on
it. With one hand, pry at the clamp to try to pop it off, and with the other see if you
can help. If not, hang on to one of those frosty alcoholic drinks I was talking about.

3) Oh yeah, don’t break anything. Your motherboard is relatively fragile and if you
stab it with that screwdriver, you’ll be replacing that too (another 50-75 bucks).

4) Carefully take your heatsink out of the computer, and set it aside (don’t set the
cpu/greasy end on your bed, it’ll make a big mess. If you do, seek out those tasty
chocolate chip cookies that I was talking about and indulge, because that grease is
gonna need some washing). Note the orientation of the heatsink and how it fits on the
computer, because as you might have guessed, you’ll be putting it back in.

5) Inspect the specimen that you are about to replace. Shout some curse words at it if
you like, as it’s been the cause of countless hours of frustration and aborted instant
messenger conversations. Have another sip of that frosty beverage. Eat cookie.
Prepare to take away the evil toy.

6) Pull on the shiny lever on the side of the CPU socket. This will remove the clamps
from the CPU pins. Pull on the edges of the CPU. It’s been in there for years, so it
might be a little bit embedded, but it’ll come loose.

7) Take another break. Damnit, it’s hot out sometimes these days and you don’t want to
break a sweat over this project. Go downstairs and refil that drink of yours, if
necessary, and maybe play with the guinea pigs for a while.

8) This is the part where you have to remember to be careful again. This includes
making sure your hands are dry (that drink sweats a lot during the summer), and making
sure you are static free. If you’re not sure you’re static free, touch the metal casing
on a power strip, or any other grounded device. Try not to ground yourself by sticking
one hand in the ground prong on a wall outlet while happening to stick a fork in the
wall outlet’s power lines as well. This could lead to unexpected results such as shock
(electrical), hospital visits, and interesting hair do’s.

9) Your processor socket is what’s known as a Zero Insertion Force socket (ZIF for
short. How ziffy is that? Er, I mean spiffy?!). Thus you shouldn’t have to push the
processor hard at all into it’s socket, as long as the clamp bar is up. Once you have
it inserted in the socket, while pushing down on the outside corners of the processor
with one hand, close the clamp bar back down towards the socket until it clamps shut.

10) This is where the CPU grease comes in to play. Place a dab (not even a drop, but a
dab) size spot on the CPU core (the shiny thing in the middle). Using that handy dandy
(clean) ID/charge card, spread the grease all over the shiny surface of the CPU. You
shouldn’t be able to see the shiny part any more. Be sure there are no bubbles in the
grease (you should only find them in your drink). Try and keep it somewhat smooth.

11) Clean the surface of your heatsink where it connects to the CPU, using the rubbing
alcohol or appropriate substitute. If all else fails and you don’t have any cleaner,
just wipe it as clean as possible with a paper towel. Don’t use any paper products that
leave a lot of lint behind, as this will make the grease connection lame.

12) Put the heatsink back on. Be somewhat careful, as your CPU is made of silicon with
a light metal casing, and you don’t want to rock it a lot as it can crack. Push real
good on the heatsink clamp until it clicks in place. Wiggle the heatsink around a bit
to make sure it’s clamped in good.

13) Drink some more, and eat that other chocolate chip cookie. Delicious, eh?

14) Plug the compy in, and go for it! As long as all is well, it’ll work fine. You may
need to go into the BIOS Setup program and save the settings for it to boot up without a
warning.

15) Cross your fingers, and hope it doesn’t crash!

16) Once you’re sure the new CPU is working fine, put the old one in the packaging, and
mail it to your big brother so he has a toy to play with.

17) If the computer does keep crashing, that means that the CPU isn’t the problem. Swap
the CPU’s back out like you’ve done here, clean up the old one really nicely, and return
it to the shipper. Be sure you do this within 7 days of now b/c they might not take it
back!

18) Give me a call or an email letting me know how it went!

Hope this has provided to be both useful and entertaining :)

-Trick

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