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I know I shouldn’t write this, thoughts over time

March 7, 2006

“Can you imagine us years from today?
Sharing a parkbench quietly.
How terribly strange to be seventy.
Old friends, memory brushes the same years,
Silently sharing the same fears.
Time it was and what a time it was it was
A time of innocence
A time of confidences
Long ago it must be, I have a photograph
Presever your memories
They’re all that’s left you.”
I tell myself I shouldn’t write this. You’re long gone and I don’t need you anymore, so why bother with drama? But here I am. Sometimes it jumps on me, some days it’s just sitting in the corner watching me, but it matters that you left.
Did I imagine it all? No, I know I didn’t. The ease of connection, the willingness to share, the friendship I thought could never be surpassed or broken. You promised. You said you wouldn’t leave, and we spoke of the years to come always assuming togetherness. I said I’d be here, and you said you’d come back always, and then you were gone. I said someday soon, and you said you’d come back, really you would. It’s been years, so why does this still ache? There’s no hole left where you were – others have come along and filled it. I don’t understand why I miss what we had, especially considering I know we can’t have it again. We’ve grown apart. With our nature of unwillingness to compromise on the big things, our differences are too great now. Which leaves me wondering why I’m writing this. I don’t know what I hope to accomplish. I guess I just hope you’ll realize it’s you I’m talking to. I want to say, also, that I miss you, ma reine.

I have a tendancy to dwell too often in the future and in the past. These things distract me from the place I am and the people I’m with. I shall work on not stealing from the present for the other times, and rather letting each time have it’s space as needed. As for my melodramatic tendicies, as seen above, feel free to ignore them. I feel, sometimes, as if I am living my teenage years five years behind schedule. I think I’m so scornful of lj drama because of the urge to write it myself. I don’t know if all this is really what I meant to say, but I’ve said it, so here’s the post and I’m off to class.

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