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looking foward looking back

August 2, 2005

that’s almost an Ani Difranco lyric.
It’s been a roller coaster the last 24 hours. It’s nice to be leaving for a little while. I’d like the chance to sort out the once and future Queen Marie. Somehow I feel caught up in every time that isn’t today, but not in a bad way. Today doesn’t have a lot going for it, and so it seems alright to not pay it much heed.
A fantastic thing happened a little while ago. Yin and I were talking about K-12 school, and he got going reminiscing about it, and went on for over twenty minutes. My part of this ‘dialoge’ was the textual equivalent of smiling and nodding. It was quite wonderful to sit and listen, and live snippets of his life as he told them.
I don’t know who I want to become. Tomorrow is another day and every day is a change towards a new person. I don’t know where I want to take that person, because there are so many pulls as to who she should be. All I know is that I don’t want to be this person:
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children.
We must have friends to dinner and read the papers.
(taken from “Warning” by Jenny Joseph)
I’ve realized, though, how much today means to me. If I never find the love of my life, but get to keep being absolutly in love with here and now, whatever here or now it is, that will probably be okay with me. If I can say truthfully “sometimes i wonder how anyone can be happier”, that tells me that I don’t really need any more. If I can keep that, I don’t see how I’d give that up for anything. Life may take it from me, and then I’ll accept what I can get, but I think I’ll be hanging on to this as long as I can.
But for now I must leave you. I’ll write to many of you, real letters not email, but that’ll be it. No email, no live journal, most probably no phone either. I’ll think of you all, but not often most probably. I’ll be busy reminding myself of green things, and then come back ready to remember you all the more.
Ignore all of this. It’s just meanders, let flow by the hour and the conversation, so let them go. I’ll see you all soon.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 2, 2005 12:07 am

    Well…I luckily have talked to you after reading this.
    For a second…I thought that you were going Neo-Beat…..and just taking off with everything you have in a pack on your back….and hitching a ride out west.
    I thought maybe that you wern’t coming back next semester.
    Not saying i wouldn’t be supportive. I generally support any kind of spirit quest. Just….wow….i have never had the courage….or insanity….to do so. I’ve always liked acadamia….although i cannot spell it.
    It’s nice.
    I’ll probebly do it eventually…for a month…maybe…..just maybe. we’ll see.
    But…I think i’ll be going to europe first….possibly next summer.
    BUT…luckily….this is not so. And as far as addresses….sorry. I don’t know it yet. and won’t be there until the 10th ish. yep.
    That’s it.

  2. August 6, 2005 8:15 pm

    Re: what?
    mmmmm that sounds like so much fun….you have no idea how much I feel like leaving everything behind like that, just for kicks. Don’t tempt me, or I just might do it.

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