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very liberal use of the word “you”

April 30, 2005

I don’t cry around people. I would to state this fact from the start.. I didn’t cry in spite of all that went on last fall, in part because I couldn’t find time alone to cry. I just can’t bring myself to do it, even when I wish I could.
That being said, I cried right out front of squad on Madison Street today. But then again, I saw that one coming.

See, I went for a walk the other night, while Katie was packing up, and realized that I would be crying when she left. It would be the first block taken from the group, and what a big block, at least for me. I went for a walk and thought about everything and everyone, and knew I’d cry to see this year end.
In the law quad, there was a very strong memory of a certain Tuesday night. You and I went walking in the dark together to try and take in the enormity of it all. We stood in the middle of the law quad, hardly able to speak, each simply glad that the other was there.
Then there was the memories of a dozen or more walks with you though the law quad headed elsewhere. We were going to Pizza House, or East Quad, or simply the playground. Someone would have a frisbee, someone else would want to play follow the leader, and we’d all be laughing all the while. Along that path there is so much laughter it was impossible not to smile.
This lead me to the playground, where the strongest memory was of a single conversation. Ghosts of people in trees, throwing frisbees, and climbing columns were there, but what I remembered most was when the two of us sat on that bench and talked of you and how this would change things, all the while realizing that it was really just giving a name to what you have always been.
The playground led, naturally, to east quad, with memories of shows seen, and then down to Pizza House. There was laughter in my head, and I wanted to slid on the snow that was such a constant this whole winter, the 1/2 inch of slushy slippery stuff that we slid – and fell – on. But I wasn’t out for food or a show, so I kept on walking.
Upon reacing South U, I turned right and wandered down to Pinball Pete’s, remembering St. Patrick’s day, a bunch of DDR nights, and then trips to Bubble Tea when I felt I could afford it. I didn’t walk much further, though, before I hit Village Corner, and realized that I was beyond the place where my memories of you extend.
Crossing the street, I found Middle Earth, and remembered you getting so worried about Secret Santa that you hit your head on my door…and my wall…and my roommates closet… And then the Safe Sex Store…not that I’ve been there before or anything…
Without having to think I ended up in the diag, by the UGLi thinking of long study sessions alone, though the memories with friends are much more clear – and fun. Of course, the diag meant going over to the tree, where I was assulted by a series of memories so strong that I sought out a bench.
The tree is a place for me alone, but the east half of the diag is a place for us in various groups. More frisbee games than I can count, and long afternoons spent studying, sleeping, tanning, or talking. Here, I found jealousy waiting, anger, and pain, but pushing those aside I found sunshine, daffodils, and peace. The diag really is the center of campus, and holds a myriad of strong memories for me.
I then wandered back towards squad. There was the bus stop, the start and end of many a ‘boy talk’, which really was you and I trying to figure out whatever was going on at the moment. That’s where I found your friendship, and I will miss them next year.
I walked by the Union, where the bulbs are wilting, and then turned my steps finally to south quad, home for a little while longer. I had to swip my key for the 3758-3762 times, oweing to the fact that I am a defective swiper and always have to do it more than once, and then saw those black couches in the lobby.
You know what I’m talking about. The reason I skipped difeq so often, and slept though pchem, those five am conversations where I found your friendship. It was faster and more intense than the bus rides, but formed a similarly deep bond nonetheless.
I walked up those steps, 11-11-7-7, put my key in the door, sat down at my computer, and wondered how I’m ever going to graduate.

So yes, I cried when Katie left, right in public on Madison street, but that wasn’t a problem. It would have been worse had I not remembred, and let this year slip away. Through some really hard times, and some really happy ones, you were there for me, all of you, and I think that ending all of that is worth crying over.

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