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*laughs* and i wasn’t going to update again for a while…

March 25, 2005

“We are lonely in proportion to our years.”
I don’t know. I don’t know if that’s true, if I agree with that or not. I am heading back home again this weekend, for Easter, and am once again ambivalent. Adrian is a wonderful town and I do love it, but it never ceases to feel odd for me at this stage in my life. I’ll be seeing my family and old friends again, and once again I’ll stay up late IMing new friends from school. I don’t know what to make of who I am when I’m home. I don’t really know who to be when I’m home. I’ve changed a lot, and even I am not sure of this change. How can I expect others to know who I am when they have such varying and long memories of me?
Friends drift in and out of my life. It used to be that I was the one doing all of the holding on, trying desperately to grasp onto the few people in my life who were drifting away but I wanted to keep near. It’s not the same anymore. Now I find myself confronted by old friends who are trying to hold on to me. While I am willing to be held on to, I don’t find myself willing to hold back. These people don’t know who I am now, and I have no idea likewise how they have changed. What friendship we had I now can’t recognize, and this leaves me feeling lost.
I don’t understand being home anymore. I don’t understand Adrian in the way that I used to, or that I understand my small corner of Ann Arbor. My family functions in a very different matter. People who I remember as children are now in high school. Friends have moved away, or stayed, and oftentimes I don’t remember who did which.
Home is odd. I love it, but it’s odd enough that I find myself not wanting to be there. On this weekend, I find myself wanting to attend church, both tonight and Sunday. I may be an agnostic, but I feel a pull towarsd church this weekend, and wish I could attend church on this holiest of Sundays. The differences, though, keep me from church.
This is why I am so ambivalent about being home.

2 Comments leave one →
  1. March 25, 2005 2:47 pm

    Are you talking about me?

  2. March 28, 2005 3:44 pm

    you’re part of it, but not all of it by a long shot.

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