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a ramble, just for fun

January 3, 2005

(fyi, there will be random dmb quotes throughout this entry, ’cause he’s just that great. Some will relate to the content they are near. Most will not. Enjoy.)

I thought I’d post a good long ramble, ’cause I know I won’t have a chance to do so once school starts. While there are other things I could be doing – sleeping, emailing Nate, talking with the few souls online – I just don’t feel like it. Too lazy to start up a conversation, don’t wanna sleep yet, and didn’t think about emailing Nate until I started writing this. Guess I may do that next.

“Was I a fool to think
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick.”

I read Meg’s lj a lot tonight, though I didn’t manage to read all of the really long post – short attention span. But she makes me realize something – I’m forgetting high school. I’m forgetting it in a way I didn’t expect. Sure, I knew the details would fade. But I didn’t think that the vividness of the big things would be dulled, the edges of the pain rounded off. As she discribed her last Strike performance, I thought back to All City and my last big orchestra concert. I know it was a huge deal then, though I didn’t get crazy nervous (only do that for solos). But now, it’s not so much. I remember the shirt I wore: “ORCH DORKS FOREVER”, and that I conducted and played one of the solos in Concerto Grosso. I remember a lot of facts from it. But most of the emotion is gone. This was the end of a gigantic chapter in my life, but I don’t really remember how I felt then. It’s been less than two years.

“The future is no place to place your better days.”

The end of cross country is the same way. I remember floating through the race, but I know that the feeling of not really touching the ground was more concreted, ironically enough, that day and in the weeks following. I know that, for once, I almost didn’t want to race because I didn’t want it to end. But those emotions are distant, more like I’ve been told someone else felt them. The exstatic (sp?) feeling I had during the Blissfield meet – now THAT would make a fun lj entry ’cause I’d love to relive it – is still there, but it feels dusty, unused, and forgotten.

“I sleep just to dream her
Beg the night just to see her
That my only love should be her
Just to lie in her arms.”

My last track meet, or graduation, those are things I don’t mind being so dull. In fact, I think a lot of that was on purpose. Running that final race, and realizing that my family had missed it, I just wanted it to be over (in a totally different way that most track races). Graduation, also, was more of a blah moment, that I knew had to happen, but I wanted to end. These are two memories that were disappointing enough that I don’t mind having let dust settle on them. I return them now, to the shelf where they have been residing. I suppose I’ll dust them off some day, but they’ll never be on display in the way that I’d like the preceeding memories to be.

“The space between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more.
The space between
These wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain.
But will I hold you again?”

I might think I’m forgetting, but then again, there are certain songs I still can’t listen to without going into a down-cast reminiscence about things, times, and people I’ve left behind.

“Celebrate we will
‘Cause life is short but sweet for certain.”

On to happier things. I’ve spent *thinks and adds, give me a minutes* seven hours or so in the car in the last three days, going to and from colleges and college friends houses. First it was an hours to A2 to pick up Yin. Then an hours to Katie’s for New Years. Then repeat in reverse order the next day for coming home. Today I was to Kzoo and back dropping Trick off and stopping by to see Melinda. Tomorrow I have 20min or so twice to get to and from work. Tuesday there’s an hour back to school. THEN I’m back to bipedal locomotion. Cwazy!

“‘Cause everyday should be a good day to die.”

I would like to thank all of my geeky friends, btw. For all of you that are unashamadly geeky or odd, thanks for letting me be me. This is one thing that really can frustate me about being home: the inacceptance of me being silly, and the mocking I recieve for being interested in intellectual things. I know I’m a lot different than a lot of people here, but that doesn’t mean that have to tease me in a mean way for it. So yea, to all of you who accept me and go right on doing your own thing, thanks. Perhaps if a ‘drain person reads this, they can begin understand why I feel like I can’t be myslef in this city and why I like being in A2 so much better. I love Adrian, but it’s not the right place for me right now.

“I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves
Wondering if we’d spent our own living days well
I can’t believe that we would lie in our graves
Dreaming of things that we might have been.
…and we dance away.”

I got to meet Arwen the rabbit today, and she makes me realize how much I want a guinea pig next year. Someone to hold and pet and spoil and love and talk to and know that it’ll love me back – afterall, the they are pigs and I will be feeding it – , that’s what I want. And fur. Can’t forget the fur. Otherwise that could sound like a really whipped and sad sad boyfriend. Can’t forget the fur, and boys shouldn’t come with fur (aka SHAVE). :-)
p.s. Arwen is very cute. I’m definitely a fan.

“Eat drink and be merry
For tomorrow we die
’cause we’re tripping billies.”
(a note, I don’t know what it means to trip billies, but this song makes me want to ’cause they sound so joyful singing about it)

Oh yes, New Years! Dude, it was fantastic! Definitely the best one I’ve ever had. First one I spent outisde of my parents house also. The gang gathered at Katie’s house, with a couple of her friends from home. We played board games, lots of DDR (and I do mean lots – my right calf is STILL sore), made lots of noise, hung out, ate a lot, and various other activites that I don’t really recall. Considering the group, there was remarkably little singing and dancing, but a lot of pretending to be drunk. (I’ll post a pic of Katie and I and a ‘wine’ bottle when I get back to school and get my camera plugged in) We had holiday crackers that contained paper hats too, which was fun. ‘nother pic coming from that one. The next day there was more of the same, with a break for happy meals, and an icy drive home. Luckily, I had company for the freeway/icy part, and dmb for the rest of it. (btw, dmb is my driving music, and with the time I’ve been on the road lately, is it any wonder that I’m quoting him a lot?)

“Excuse me please, one more drink
Could you make it strong ’cause I don’t need to think
She broke my heart, my grace is gone
One more drink and I’ll move on.”
“Bartender please, fill my glass for me
With the wine you gave Jesus that set him free
After three days in the ground.”

Oh yes, for whoever you are that keeps commenting anonymously. Could you at least give me a hint? Where do I know you from? What’s your mothers maiden name? What are your opnions on chickens wearing hats for Valentines Day? WHY ARE YOU COMMENTING WITHOUT LEAVING YOUR NAME? grr crappity. I wanted to know who you are ’cause you sounded funny. NOW I’m really prelexed about the whole thing. Ugh.

For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can’t readily accept the God formula, the big answers don’t remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command or faith a dictum. I am my own God. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.
– Charles Bukowski

“If I had it all, you know, I’d fuck it up.”
“What I want is what I’ve not got
but what I need is all around me.
I’ll reach and search and never stop
And I’ll say…”

‘Cause no matter what it seems, tonight is what it means to be young.’

2 Comments leave one →
  1. January 3, 2005 12:35 am

    I am a bit closer than you are to high school. Yeah, I don’t really know what else to say.
    Er…will “See you on Tuesday!” work?

  2. January 3, 2005 8:51 pm

    oh shoot Marie! You talking about high school was totally needed for me!!! I graduated in 03, same as you… and boy I feel ya! have a great day :)!

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