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September 25, 2004

a well crafted piece of writing hasn’t left my head in so long I ought to feel like I’m over-flowing. I’m not. I wonder about this. I used to write rather often, and have ideas for poems and other pieces just dropping out of my head faster than I could write them down on scraps of paper. Now I have few ideas, and those that I recall long enough are either too incomplete or cliche to bother with writing down. When did this happen? Writing used to be a necessity, like running or learning. Now it’s (HAH, I’m quoting myself. How sad is that?) “just one more thing I ought to do”. Is it because I’ve grown, that I’m more emotionally mature than when I needed to write all the time? I’m glad to be older – I don’t cry hardly at all anymore. Then again, I sort of miss crying. Sometimes it’d be nice to be able to break down in tears and let an emotion out, rather than over-analyzing it as I do now.
I think (and hope) it’s rather because I don’t have a place to write right now. At least last year I had my gtbooks journal. Before that I had writings required for classes, and the best years for my writing were really junior and senior year, when I had two amazing English teachers. Perhaps I ought to consider a creative writing course? Anyone heard anything about those? ‘Cause they seem like they’d suck. Just the same, I don’t want to stop writing. I really do miss it.
At this moment I feel it. I feel like I ought to have paper in front of me and pencil in hand, words in my head spinning so fast I cannot write them down. The FEELING is there; the words aren’t. Where have my words gone?
Honestly, I fear that it’s not because I’m out of practice, or I’ve grown, but that I’ve changed in a specific and negative way. I talk so much and yet say so little. What a manipulative bitch I’ve become! I think me five years ago might just hate me today. I mean, I enjoy being who I am right now. I just wonder about how some of my values have changed, and how interacting with society in a more normal way has caused me to view so many things differently.
And wow I use the word “I” a lot. Sorry.
To conclude: I miss writing. No. I miss having words. I think I’m going to start carrying my journal again.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. September 25, 2004 7:42 am

    If you’re looking for a good course for self-expression, I’d recommend NELP. Haven’t done it myself, but I’ve heard excellent reviews of it. It’s a summer program by UMich where you spend a few weeks in New England learning about poetry but also doing introspective journal writing. Might be worth checking out.
    I also have a little pocket journal crying from lack of attention. I think it’s time to take it back out also

  2. September 25, 2004 11:10 am

    I’ve heard nothing but good things about the creative writing programs here. Thing is, that was from people who decidedly did not need inspiration; basically the writing program requires that you write a whole bunch of pages a week and provides a few prompts to help you get started, and constuctive critism once you’ve finished. A good class to take if you really like to write but don’t have the time and/or motivation to do so, so I’m not sure if it would help if you’re just out of ideas.
    Here’s how you don’t use “I”: start all your sentences with verbs! “Went to the store.” “Saw three birds.” “Was it mentioned that you are not a manipulative bitch? No? Well, you’re not. Take my word for it.” If anything, this way of writing is even more egotistical, since you’re expecting other people to take the time to figure out what you’re saying.
    OK, and and I don’t know about the other stuff. I find it helps to copy if you’re having trouble doing original things – you know, like try to emulate another author’s style or something. There’s probably books with prompts and stuff. Maybe you wrote so often as a child, you feel like you’ve exhausted all your topics? You could always re-write something old. Or, you know, accept that you have a busy life now. Something usually has to give way for that.

  3. September 25, 2004 11:57 pm

    “I think me five years ago might just hate me today. I mean, I enjoy being who I am right now. I just wonder about how some of my values have changed, and how interacting with society in a more normal way has caused me to view so many things differently.”
    Yeah, tell me about it. I’m not sure I’d use the word “hate”…more like, “be disappointed in”. I feel like I’ve given up on a lot of ideals I used to have. Part of me says that is just a part of growing up and losing my naivity (sp?), and the other part says that I’m just getting lazy and going against the grain of society has become too much work. Either way, it’s not something I’m happy about.
    “What a manipulative bitch I’ve become!”
    And um, no, Marie. You are not a manipulative bitch. Trust me. I also feel that way about myself, but there is no way that anyone could describe you like that.
    Hmm…sorry for this rather depressing comment reply thingy. Just thought I’d let you know that you aren’t alone in those thoughts!

  4. September 27, 2004 3:43 pm

    The FEELING is there; the words aren’t. Where have my words gone?
    Obviously, YMMV, but…. I’ve found that I can’t write if I haven’t been reading. Or, at least, reading the right stuff. My “word well” has gone mostly dry since I started reading massive amounts of Stephen King novels. (Almost done, though, so I can go onto something else soon….)
    At the same time, I’ve found that while reading a couple of authors’ works, the urge to write has been stronger than it normally is. (This may hearken back to Sonia’s idea of trying to emulate; the similarity between much stuff and that of a certain author, especially right after reading stuff of hers, is almost scary.)
    What a manipulative bitch I’ve become!
    Umm… you certainly aren’t a bitch, and if you’re manipulative, then you’re damn good at it, ’cause I certainly don’t ever see it….
    And wow I use the word “I” a lot. Sorry.
    Y’know, this is a journal, written in first-person—it’s kinda expected. :)

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